Be the Illusionary

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 9:22 am

She didn't miss the sudden shift in his demeanor. The flirting had been fun, and the sudden change honestly worried her. Just when she'd been about to ask him about it though, he'd moved. Next thing she knew his arms were around her, and hers were instinctually on his shoulders. His face was buried in her, and hers in his and the way he breathed in her scent made her shudder. Goosebumps ran down her flesh as he spoke and her mind went blank. She wasn't sure how to answer him and before she knew it he was gone. 'Tempt him?' she wondered as she went to retrieve her jacket and remaining knives. She put everything away and pulled on her jacket as she got ready to leave. 'Certainly wouldn't have minded if he had just taken me right here... but what if he wanted more than just a dirty deed? Is that what he meant by meaning it? I don't do that kind of one person commitment anymore, and I can't risk hurting him again...' Ume groaned as she left the cave. 'Either I need to think more or less and I don't know which.'

Since that day Ume had made sure to leave her jacket on or dress more appropriately for training, typically the latter. After talking over her concerns with Jinsai about potentially leading Kotaru on unintentionally she had started to wear a simple black t-shirt instead of the strap get-up. Today, their fourth training, about a week after the first one she wore something similar. She wore her usual dark pants and boots but with a strapless black shirt. Her blue hair was pulled back into a single braid as she paced and waited for him to arrive. She carried her usual weapons with her and her hands were thrust in her pockets as she waited for him.

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 10:07 am

Ume's change in attire did not escape his notice. On their second day of training he made a brief quip about it and the entire day was spent on task with only a few flirtatious comments exchanged. He might have been able to call it a fluke, but when she wore much of the same at their third meeting, it clicked. Over the years Kotaru had gotten much better at reading people, and it seemed like Ume hadn't meant it after all. That day Kotaru was much quieter, reserved. Any comments she made that were not related to their training were met with either a half-hearted smirk, a quick redirection to the training, or even silence. The bannin did his best to keep his tone and expressions neutral so that he didn't betray the fact that he was still a bit hung up on her, but Ume would have likely noticed he was considerably less animated and more distant than he was during their first meeting. It would have truly felt like a teacher-student interaction.

Kotaru hadn't told anyone about these meetings with Ume, and he definitely hadn't told anyone about how it was affecting him. There were two, maybe three people he could talk to about feelings, and he had decided it probably wasn't worth bringing up. They hadn't touched each other since that first day besides the occasional tap on the shoulder or head to initiate a genjutsu. She pulled back, and so did he.

When he finally arrived for their fourth session he had two foldable chairs in tow. As soon as he set them up with one facing the other, he began to mold his chakra. "You've improved a lot pretty quickly, especially with staying on your feet while caught in a genjutsu." Kotaru cut right to the chase and sat down, motioning for her to do the same. "Let's play Two Truths and a Lie. All you have to do is say three statements or really short stories, two true and one a lie. There's two rules. The first one is you have to keep your expression and tone as impassive as possible. The second rule is once you start a statement, you can't stop until you've finished. Start whenever you're ready."

SpoilerShow

The Whole Truth
S-Ranked Genjutsu
After performing the needed seals, Kotaru will speak on any topic relating to truth and lies. Once the targets hear this, any time they tell a lie or stray from the truth, they will feel an agonizing pain in their chest. The pain will feel like being stabbed several times in quick succession while simultaneously being burned severely, and the targets will also find it very difficult to breathe without wheezing. The sensation will peak as long as they are not telling the truth, and lessen in intensity when they stop lying. The jutsu lasts 9 posts.

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 10:47 am

Ume watched Kotaru pull up the folding chairs, waiting until he motioned for her to sit down before she did so. She nodded in thanks as he complimented her progress, though the use of the chairs confused her already. Sitting comfortably seemed like an odd choice for genjutsu training considering discomfort was such a large part of it. She crossed her arms under her chest as he gave her the instructions and she couldn’t help a slight frown. ”Two truths and a lie?” she asked, sighing heavily as she shook her head. ”I’m not sure where to start, you might have to give me ideas on this one… uh….” She stopped to think for a moment as she tried to come up with something.

I was like her mind suddenly strayed over her entire life trying to find something inconsequential to talk about and all it could do was come up with blanks. Her hand drifted to her neck as she thought, absentmindedly pulling out the necklace she wore with the red crystal and playing with it as she thought about what to say. ”Okay… um. I once stole some of Koyama’s sake when we were kids for us all to drink.” she said, speaking her first truth as a smile crept across her face at the memory. It left her chuckling a bit to remember, remembering how long it had taken her to pay him back for it and how she’d been banned from drinking the stuff until she had been promoted to Jounin. Even after Koyama had died she’d taken the ban seriously and only drank the same kind when she got the promotion long after he was gone.

’….a lie….’ She thought a little longer. ”I…” She spun the crystal in her fingers for a moment. ”I have red hair.” she said, blurting out a stupid and intentional flat out lie. Almost immediately she gasped and doubled over, clutching her chest, swearing under her breath. She couldn’t believe the pain, as if a searing hot knife had been shoved into her chest over and over again, burning her even as it sliced into her flesh and she could barely breathe as well. Almost immediately she wondered if telling a truth would allow the pain to calm but the pain muddled her mind so much it was as if she couldn’t find a truth to save her life for a moment. Still doubled over in the chair she gasped for air as she fought to think of something, anything, in the moment.

”I was glad it you that found me and not Tatsuo that day in the alley.” She blurted out the words as they were the first ones to come to mind. Just as she suspected, the moment she spoke truth the pain began to subside and she was able to sit up better, leaning back in the chair to breathe at least a little easier now. She took a few deep breaths to try and steady herself for a moment before blinking a few times in shock before looking at Kotaru.

”A little warning would have been nice…”

Stat Training: Willpower (1067/1000)
7 Stats

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 11:04 am

Kotaru simply watched, still as a statue, as she racked her brain for something to talk about. The first statement was a rather fond memory from when they were kids that seemed so long ago now. They were all so different - him, her, Tatsuo and Mitsuo - and it was hard to imagine them doing something like that now. He lowered his head and his lips turned upwards in a slight smile. As soon as she lied he lifted his eyes without moving his head. Just as he expected the full effect of the genjutsu hit her like a falling brick and his smile widened despite himself.

Almost immediately, however, his expression faltered. That day was still a vivid memory, and it was one that he preferred to keep locked away. But she'd already forced him to confront feelings and memories he hadn't purposefully visited in years. He might as well open himself up to one more. Besides, he didn't want her to think he was still unable or unwilling to talk about these things, no matter how much truth there was to it. "Yeah, well, it's a good thing I did. Things probably would have gone a lot differently for you if he had found you."

He waved his hand dismissively at her comment and replied, "There's no fun in warning you, is there? Keep going, you've already failed the first round."

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 11:26 am

Ume rolled her eyes as he referred to this as fun and her as failing the round. ”Ah so you really do enjoy hurting me… well that’s no fair.” she teased, squirming uncomfortably in the chair for a moment as she shook her head. ”At least choke me or something so I can get something out of it too.” she murmured, unsure if he actually heard her or not. She sighed heavily and gripped the sides of the chair underneath her as she tried to think of something else to talk about. Suddenly an evil idea crossed her mind and a devilish smirk crossed her lips as she looked at Kotaru. She hadn’t flirted heavily with him since that first day, and it’d left her with so many questions about his desires that she suddenly wondered if she couldn’t both answer her own questions and make him amusingly uncomfortable in one fell swoop. ”Fun huh? Okay.”

Ume suddenly sat up straight and crossed her arms under her chest as she smirked at him as she stated a simple truth. ”I often enjoy the company other women.” she stated. She just watched Kotaru for a reaction with a slightly raised eyebrow. Of course, just thinking about the look he’d probably have on his face was enough to have her nearly chuckling but she had to try and keep a neutral expression, as he’d instructed previously.

But then she had to tell a lie. Ume took a deep breath, knowing the pain that was going to come on afterwards. ”I believe in complete monogamy.” Once again the searing pain set in as if someone had come up from behind her and shoved a knife into her chest over and over again, a knife that had been rest in coals for hours before hand as a searing heat was attached to it. She could barely breathe and there was a rattled wheezing to her breath. She kept her arms crossed as she tried to keep some kind of composure, her fingertips digging into her arms so hard that her nails dug in and she bled in a few places as she fought hard not to groan at least. In spite of it all, sweat still beaded on her forehead and she was unable to completely hide the effects of the genjutsu on her.

”I enjoy exploring pain and rewarded with pleasure.” Her smirk held firm throughout even as the pain slowly began to lessen with the last truth. The wheezing lessened first and waned from her lungs before the burning began to fade and she could take fuller, deeper breaths. The last to go was the stabbing pain as she watched Kotaru for his reaction. She wasn’t sure if he was going to be more intrigued or angry in his responses, some days with him there was no knowing. Some part of her hoped to gain a little insight at least into what was going on inside of his mind at least. But perhaps there would be an answer to her curiosities.

At the very least, a small taste of revenge for not warning her about how much pain had been in this genjutsu for her.

Stat Training: Willpower (533/1000)

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 11:51 am

"Hurting people is what I do," he responded with his best attempt at a nonchalant shrug. Kotaru chose to ignore her last statement about being choked. It wasn't hard to figure out what she meant by that on the surface, but it was hard to know where she was going with it. As far as he could tell she was just here to train and tease him occasionally. There was no need to indulge her too much or to give her the satisfaction of knowing how easily she could arouse him. Still, he couldn't keep away the image of his hand around her neck while she gasped and moaned.

She started the next round with a heavy hitter. His eyes widened in shock at her statement, especially since it was evidently true. The next one took him by surprise even more and caused him to cock his head to the side. That one was certainly not true. He never pegged Ume to be polyamorous. Then again, she had never struck him as someone who would ever be so overtly sexual and shameless about it. Truthfully, he wasn't sure how to feel about her sleeping around, but it was a thought that was swiftly upended by her next statement.

Somehow he managed to keep his expression relatively even. Kotaru was no stranger to mixing pain and pleasure, but it was something he hadn't indulged in for quite some time. By sheer force of will his body did not react, and she would find the crotch of his pants perhaps disappointingly flat. The bannin sighed very, very deeply to steady himself before deciding to speak again. "You failed round two. You can't keep making your second statement a lie. Switch it up."

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 12:22 pm

”Pretty sure using a genjutsu as part of this game is technically cheating.” Ume replied, rolling her eyes. ”Also I can hardly be losing if you’re not even playing the game yourself.” she added, sighing heavily. She sank in the chair slightly, considering she was already crossing her arms it almost made it look like she was pouting as she glared at him. She hadn’t missed a couple of his tells as she spoke. Some of what she had said had gotten to him, just not as much as she had hoped. With a sigh she tilted her head a moment as she looked at him and tried to think of what to say next.

”I wanted to jump you that first day.” She blurted out, chewing on the inside of her lip for a moment. It felt like an obvious statement to make to her, even though she’d backed off the flirting and quit wearing her mission outfit since. She crossed one leg over the other and started bouncing her foot as she tried to think of another blatant truth to state.

”I was going to kill Yuuki in the Arena, but Jinsai begged me not to.” She bristled visibly as she stated that truth. She still hated that the bitch was alive. She hated that she’d let her live even if she had shamed her by destroying every shiin the woman had possessed and claiming her most valuable one. She had tried to kill Koyama once a long time ago, and she had killed Jinsai’s older brother a long time ago in the worst way. She had devoured him, a non-Akari, for the joy of it. It was disgraceful and Ume had wanted to get that revenge for him and for Koyama. But as Jinsai was the most wronged party she couldn’t bring herself to go against his wishes that day.

But then she needed to come up with a lie. She kept her eyes on the ground off to her right for a moment before speaking quietly. ”I regret nothing of what I did to you.” She didn’t even try to fight what was coming as she spoke the simple statement. It was almost as if she was accepting a punishment as the pain came on. The pain of hot blades came on and she doubled over with a whimpered cry. Her hands came down to grip the underside of the chair, her head resting almost between her knees as she fought for breath again. The wheezing came on quickly as she tried to regain her breath. She had purposely told the lie last, the pain would last longer this time. After a few moments with the pain like this she was able to force herself to sit up, still gripping the chair as she took a few more deep and wheezing breaths to force her way through the pain.

She was intent on keeping the game intact, two truths and a lie. She had told her three ‘facts’ and would force herself to take her pause between even if her last statement was the lie and it meant the pain would last longer.

Stat Training: Willpower (1060/1000)
8 Stats

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 12:44 pm

"I can't gen myself, so you're on your own with this one." She seemed to pout, but he hadn't intended to play the game with her. He considered it for a moment, but he let her go on to the next round. The first statement she made didn't surprise him, but it did make him frown. He didn't like receiving any sort of mixed signals. Either she wanted him or she didn't. It should have been simple, and the way she had changed her clothes and avoided touching him after the first session seemed to scream 'I don't want actually want you, Kota.'

But that reaction was nothing like the one after her lie. Kotaru inhaled sharply and his eyes narrowed before he looked away toward the wall. His body remained still and stiff, and when he spoke again there was an edge to his voice. "If you wanted to then why didn't you?" The bannin turned back toward her, and if she met his gaze she would see the traces of resentment in his glare. "And if you're referring to the way you always chose Tats even though I was...." He huffed, cutting himself off before he said something he wasn't ready to admit. "I get it. He's not someone I try to compete with anymore."

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 1:06 pm

Ume swallowed hard, hissing through her teeth as she felt the effects still. She looked up at Kotaru as he spoke and she simply shook her head through it. ”Because I’m done hurting you. I’m tired of being the reason you’re hurt, just because I couldn’t keep a lid on how I was feeling or how I felt I was hurting.” As she spoke she felt the pain slowly begin to subside again. The wheezing slipped away from her and she could breathe again. She took a few deep breaths as the burning slowly faded out as well, and the stabbing pain too. When the edges of it came to wash away she finally looked at him again. ”I caused you a lot of pain, most days I felt like it was all I did to you. When you asked me to ‘mean it’ I… I wasn’t sure I could give you what you wanted without just hurting you again in the end.” She shook her head, mentally rolling her eyes as she realized she was telling him all this under a genjutsu that if she was dishonest for even a second she’d be in intense pain. ’Bad timing or on purpose? Maybe it’s a good thing in the end… he’ll have to believe me.’

”I never intended to pit you against Tatsuo… I just hated myself for what I did, for feeling like I put you two at odds, for feeling like I ruined you two. I couldn’t pull my head out of it in time I guess.”

She shook her head and tried to focus back on the training. ”Two truths and a lie right?” she swallowed hard. ”While I’m under this just add to it… ask me anything you want, Kota. There has to be something you want to know.”

She looked at the ground, the earlier playfulness gone now as her mind turned to irrelevant facts and statements to just try and force her way through her training. ”I hate cats.” she stated simply, wrinkling up her nose. No effects from the jutsu came as she state the simple truth. It wasn’t a pet she ever had nor ever wanted.

”I’m still a great cook.” she added, sighing to herself. Memories of a simple date came to mind, though the fact felt almost sad to her in the context of the moment. Thinking about that day with Kotaru in her home was oddly sobering, considering she had accidentally gotten him drunk. She smiled almost sadly as she remembered it. She had once thought it was the start of a great thing, but as usual it had gone so very wrong and very quickly. And it had been her fault.

”I deserve forgiveness.” even she was realizing pretty quickly she seemed incapable of keeping her lies simple and stupid. Even as the pain ripped through her and she closed her eyes, simply accepting it at this point, she found an odd catharsis in it. The fact that it came from a genjutsu cast by Kotaru himself even felt like an odd sense of comfort to the woman, as if she was finally being punished by him for the things she’d done to him.

Stat Training: Willpower (536/1000)

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 1:50 pm

Her confessions were a lot to process at once. Kotaru did so silently, and he let her speak without interrupting. Clearly she had things she needed to get off her chest, and although he absolutely hated talking about his feelings it was probably time for him to do so as well. Mitsuo had told him ages ago that talking though things helped, but most of the time he ignored that advice and was worse off for it. Ume wasn't very good at masking the pain whenever she lied, so it was easy to tell that she was being truthful with him when talking about their past. It was hard to maintain eye contact with her while she spoke about these things, but every once in a while he would at least attempt to meet her gaze.

Kotaru had nearly forgotten they were in the middle of training, so when she went back to their game it gave him a brief moment to digest everything she had said and to mull over what he wanted to say in response. At the mention of forgiveness he crossed his arms over his chest. It may have come off as a gesture of frustration or even anger, but in truth it was to keep himself from taking her hand in his. "Could you just - for once in your life could you give me the chance to have a little input on what's going on with you, especially when it involves me?"

"Yes, it hurt to be around you. A lot. That's because you were always with the wrong person. Tats was the wrong person. I was right there almost every time you were at your lowest. And every time you got back on your feet, every fucking time, you'd turn around and pine over him to the point that you could barely function. Even when we were so close to finally...I almost had you, but you couldn't let him go. I'm not easily hurt, Ume, and I loathe to admit it but that shit hurt. Walking away from you knowing that I could never live up to Tats hurt." He swallowed, throat suddenly dry as everything he'd kept bottled up came suddenly spilling out. "You didn't only cause me pain and it bugs me that you ever thought that. That only happened when you couldn't make up your mind about what you wanted. But when it was just us? That was...the kind of happiness that I never expected to ever feel."

He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that week. This genjustu had been no mistake. If he ever wanted to be able to look at her without feeling a thousand things at once, now was the time to ask. "You're right. I need to know. Are you over me, Ume?"

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 2:14 pm

As much as the pain from the genjutsu hurt her, there was an irony in it. The more used to it she became, the more she slowly started to enjoy some aspects of it. She sat upright in the chair with her head forward and her chin resting on her chest. Her breathing was slower, though still wheezing. Her eyes were closed and the corners of her eyes were actually damp, though she almost chuckled in response to what he said to her last lie. She might’ve thought of a sarcastic response in return, if she wasn’t so focused on wallowing for a moment in the pain she felt she deserved from him. As she let the pain keep sinking in though, she lifted her head just slightly, without looking at him directly, to listen to what he had to say about Tatsuo. ”The most ironic part of it all… I didn’t even want him at that point.” she said quietly. She lifted her head as again the pain slowly began to abate. She found she almost hated that it started to go away as she looked at him. ”After I cheated on him I… I got it stuck in my head that I owed him myself somehow. I kept going back to him because I felt like I was supposed to.” She shook her had as she finally released the chair beneath her, crossing her arms under her chest again as she uncrossed her legs and let both feet rest on the ground again.

She took a deep breath and let it out slow as the last of the pain ebbed away. ”He saved my life… and I felt like the way I repaid him was horrific. It was like… it was like I had done the worst thing possible. So I just kept trying to repay him. I was so lost in my own head it was the only thing that made sense to me at the time, and ironically it was probably the most fucked up thing I did.” She sighed quietly and finally looked him in the eyes for a moment. ”I was happy too, with you, and… even I don’t know what happened in my own head that day.”

Her mind listed back to the game, and she started trying to think of facts again but then he asked that question and she closed her eyes for a moment. ”No.” she answered quietly. When her eyes opened she looked at the ground awkwardly. ”I don’t think anyone ever gets over their real first love. I don’t think that was ever him, he was just a childhood crush, maybe a bad infatuation or obsession. What that feeling did to me… I can’t call that love anymore.”

A small smile crossed her lips. ”I think I’m past two truths.” She took a deep breath and chuckled to herself. ”I had to eat a fried lizard to keep my cover on my last mission.” She might’ve giggled afterwards if the pain hadn’t ripped through her afterwards, causing her to swear under her breath as a result.

Stat Training: Willpower (1054/1000)
9 Stats

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 2:34 pm

He didn't know what he had expected her to say. Part of him believed she wouldn't respond, or she would give him a noncommittal 'I don't know' that she could pass off as the truth. But when she gave her very truthful affirmation that she wasn't over him, his heart fluttered. It was clear that there were still a lot of feelings between the two, but now that he had an answer he wasn't sure what to do with it. Should he hug her? Kiss her? Neither option seemed quite right so he sat still while trying to hide the slight smile that was threatening to show.

But he wasn't done with her. The jutsu was nearing its end, and he was only just beginning to get some sort of understanding and closure. He still needed answers. "Why aren't you sure if you can give me what I want? What is it you think I want?"

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 2:49 pm

Ume kept her eyes closed as the pain took its course from the small lie. In truth what she’d eaten on that mission was a fried frog, not a whole lot better and definitely not something she’d ever want to eat again. The memory of it almost made her feel ill. The thing had made a distinct ‘pop’ when she’d bitten into it and that had almost made her sick, remembering it almost did it again on top of the stabbing pain she was feeling. She raised an eyebrow before opening her eyes to look at Kotaru as he asked her another question. ”I assumed you wanted me for yourself… in case you forgot something I said earlier I don’t tend to commit to just one person anymore, Kota.” she admitted, the pain beginning the process of slowly ebbing away once more. She took slower breaths as it did so and again she noticed she was slowly starting to enjoy the pain. Awkwardly she crossed one leg over the other and adjusted the way she was sitting in the process. ”I… uh…” She quickly found a blush spreading across her face as well as she realized she was hesitant to fudge the truth as well about why else she wasn’t sure he’d be interested in being with her either. After all her interests had become rather diverse as of late, and yet she was under a genjutsu that forced pain on her if she told a lie and she wasn’t sure where that line was between truth and lie. How much could she hide?

”Some of those I’ve been with as well have pretty diverse interests, if you think about some of the things I’ve said while we’ve trained I think you’ll understand what I mean.” She hardly wanted to just come right out and say some of it, though she was already blushing furiously. ”But I mean… Kota you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. All I’ve ever done is hurt you in the worst ways. If you were with me now, are you telling me that you could be with me, knowing you’d have to share me or that I would still physically be with others, and that wouldn’t hurt you?” She lifted her eyes to look at him a moment, more than a little confused. ”I just… I can’t stress enough that I just can’t bear the thought of hurting you again…”

”I swear everything I touch turns to ash.” Now that time she didn’t expect it, to her what she thought was truth, rang as lie to the gen and the pain ripped through her again. She gasped in shock and whimpered as the stabbing pain came on once more. Somehow the fact that she didn’t expect it made it worse and she had to grab onto the side of the chair to keep from sliding off of it. Panting for breath she felt herself wheezing, as if her lungs were full of needles and she swore under her breath. ”What the fuck…”

Stat Training: Willpower (510/1000)

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 3:39 pm

Her response was surprisingly insightful. It was insightful and he hated it. Ume was absolutely right, of course. After all he had been through with her, after all the years without her that he spent pretending not to care about her, there's no way he would want anything other than to have Ume to himself. He couldn't stomach the idea of her being with someone else recreationally. A mission was one thing, but even as he sat in front of her thinking of the hypotheticals it made him want to scream. His heart beat almost painfully in his chest, and it began to make its way into the bannin's throat as she continued on.

There was a knot in his stomach that he was struggling to unravel, and it grew and twisted rapidly when she uttered 'you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.' She had made him happy once and, despite himself, he had flirted with the thought that she could make him happy again. All it took was for the woman to straddle him, to hold him, and every thought about her that he had ever buried was suddenly resurrected. But she was right. It wasn't enough. It still wasn't enough.

"No. No, you're right." His voice was barely above a whisper, but with their proximity she would be able to hear each and every word. "I don't think I could share you." At that moment he recognized that feeling in his stomach, the thick knot that pressed against his lungs. It was disappointment. He glanced at her when she told another lie and then he shook his head. "You don't have to keep lying, you- you don't have to keep pretending, Ume." Kotaru tried to smirk to mask how much it hurt, but he could only manage a sad smile. "At least this time we talked about it before everything went to shit."

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 5:24 pm

Ume hissed through her teeth at the pain. She leaned back in the chair, leaning her head back and her eyes closed as her hands gripped the chair underneath her. ”What do you think I’m pretending, Kota?” she asked him in return, purposely not making a statement. She wasn’t ready to make a factual statement just yet, not quite ready to release the pain that she truly was starting to feel like was an earned punishment. In her own action, or rather inaction, she found herself coming to a slow realization. Over and over again Jinsai had asked her why she’d be interested in the life he led, specifically the lifestyle he led. She just kept telling him it was to be close to him, that if it was necessary to be with him then she chose it just as she chose him. Yet as she sat enduring the feeling of the illusion of burning knives stabbing into her chest she came to realize she endured both for the same reason.

She felt she deserved pain and punishment for what she did to Kotaru. Just as she had seen and heard what she interpretated as pain in his voice just now as well, she still felt she deserved it. Tears slid from the corners of her eyes as she picked up her head and looked at him, shaking her head. ’Flogs, switches, earning pleasure through pain first is the only way it feels deserved anymore…’ Her thoughts seemed to be enough for the moment to start the pain subsiding, but still she spoke. ”I’m sorry. I feel like all I did is just hurt you again here…”

She sat up better with a groan as the pain started to subside, resting her elbows on her knees as she looked down. ”I wish I hadn’t screwed everything up when we finally had a chance… it was everything I ever wanted and I… I was too fucked up to just take the chance.” She couldn’t bring herself to lift her head to look at him again, simply keeping her eyes on the ground.

She could still feel the genjutsu on her, and part of her wondered if she had learned enough to kai it, and yet part of her also found she craved the pain instead. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and chuckled to herself. ”Maybe some day I’ll stop punishing myself.” As if on cue, the pain ripped through her chest again, burning through her lungs and with a few deep breaths she could feel the wheezing set in. If there was one thing she knew she’d always be good at, it was punishing herself, whether she deserved it in or not. In this particular case however, she was still absolutely certain that she deserved every moment of it.

Once again she leaned back in the chair and leaned her head back with her eyes closed, taking slow breaths as the pain took hold, and yet her body seemed oddly relaxed this time as she seemed oddly used to it by this point. Perhaps due to how much of it she’d taken already.

Stat Training: Willpower (1034/1000)
10 Stats

Kao · Post by **Kao** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 6:40 pm

He had no idea how to answer her question. It wasn't even clear what she was lying about with that statement, and in that moment it seemed like something she had been telling herself. Instead of trying to dive into what it could have meant he simply shrugged and mumbled "It doesn't matter." A few moments later he accepted her apology with a slight nod and a wave of his hand. The bannin looked at her as she lied one final time, and he sucked his teeth in response. 'So that's it then, huh? I got my answer.' It would take a long time to fully process it, so for now it sat like a gargantuan weight in the pit of his stomach. No matter how much she expressed her regret, it didn't change the fact that this was the reality of their situation: she didn't choose him then, and she wouldn't choose him now.

By that time the genjutsu was over, but she had just enough time squeeze in one final lie. It hung in the air like smog, dense and stifling. When he finally stood up and looked down toward her in her suffering, his expression hadn't changed much. "Ume," Kotaru began, his voice uncharacteristically thick with sadness, "someday you'll find someone who doesn't make you want to punish yourself. But I see now that someone will never be me." He didn't wait long for her response. It wouldn't make much of a difference. In a flash of movement he left the cave and left her behind, retreating to the familiar darkness and solitude of his bedroom.

Willoria · Post by **Willoria** » Wed Sep 08, 2021 6:50 pm

That wasn't at all how she wanted to leave things. Once again wrapped up in her own pain she had managed to leave him alone in his, a moment of clarity washed over her as the genjutsu came to an end. By time she rushed to her feet he was gone and she had stumbled only to fall to her hands and knees. "Damn it!" He was gone, and for a moment she would have given anything to be fast enough to catch him. Instead all she could do was shift from her knees to sitting back and burying her face in her hands as she finally started to cry. She couldn't have stopped the tears if she tried.

'When am I going to stop hurting him?! My pain isn't his fault damn it! It's mine!'

How long she sat with her face buried she wasn't sure, but when she was sure she could stop sobbing like a frantic child and could compose herself she finally stood and left the cave herself. "I need to get my head on straight..." she muttered.

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