Changing the Violence
Chapter: Letter to Regrets
It seemed that Akari Kotaru had left the village temporarily. Ume hadn’t pried deep enough to find out where he had gone, or for how long he’d be gone. She only knew that not long after their last conversation he had gone and immediately guilt had overwhelmed her. She didn’t have to ask, she knew it was her fault. He had reached out to her on official business and she had taken it as some invite back into his life and immediately hurt him yet again. And of course, she realized only too late that hurting him had been wholly unnecessary. She thought she had been telling him the truth only to realize she was missing key parts of what she should have been telling him.
She hadn’t even been thinking about what she wanted. As usually, she was thinking about what everyone else wanted, and not once did she think about what she wanted. She just kept answering what he wanted, or what she needed to be for Jinsai. She never asked herself what she wanted, or what she needed to be in order to be happy for herself.
”I’ve really screwed this up… and it’d probably be best for him to never let me near him again after this.” She said under her breath, sighing to herself. Ume was sitting on the wooden desk in a small room of her house that she had set up for her own Iijutsu studies. It would eventually double as a one room clinic of sorts for clan members when she was good enough at her work to see patients. But for now it was just her space. Her feet were resting on the chair.
Across the room from her, leaning against the wall was a red-haired woman a few years older than her and also a member of the clan. Masako had her arms crossed as she watched her in silence, knowing Ume preferred to pretend she wasn’t there. She was still a new intruder to the girl’s life, and not at all a wanted intrusion at that.
”Stop thinking about what’s best for someone else for once, and do what you want.” she spoke up harshly.
Ume practically flinched at the sudden words. She really had forgotten Masako was there for a moment. She sat up and looked at her, a confused look on her face.
”I can’t fix shit by hurting someone again… and… and what the hell would you know about it anyway!”
Masako simply smirked and chuckled quietly at Ume’s immature and momentary outburst towards her. She was already getting used to the blue-haired girl’s moments.
”You keep hurting him because you keep thinking about everyone else’s feelings right?” she asked, shaking her head as she saw Ume’s look of surprise.
”Just because I wasn’t in the room doesn’t mean I didn’t hear anything, you have windows and you never shut or lock them… you’re a bit dumb.” Masako sighed, shaking her head as she saw Ume frown at her.
”For once, stop thinking about everyone else. Think about what you want, decide, and do it. Sounds like this guy has chased you a few times, maybe what would stop hurting him is if you took the risk and chased him for once. You already took the first big step and dumped the old bastard. Now figure out what you need to do to demonstrate you’re serious and do it.” Masako would fall quiet once more and simply stare at Ume as she waited for her words to sink in. She’d only known the girl for a few days but already she’d noticed it seemed to take extra time for the girl to understand anything in regards to her own feelings.
Ume sat quietly, looking down as she thought about the other Akari’s harsh words. They made sense to her but she also wasn’t sure what she could do. Her mind went immediately to gifts but anything she thought of didn’t make sense. Giving Kotaru sake would just upset him, he hated the stuff. Even if it seemed nostalgic in anyway, he just wouldn’t appreciate something like that. Tea? He owned a teahouse, that seemed especially pointless. Cooking for him seemed like a reminder of a date that in the end was also a reminder of a time when she rejected him. Everything she thought of seemed in some way or another a bad idea. Ume growled under her breath in frustration as her fingers went to her necklace out of habit and she started to fiddle with it, at least until she froze. She looked down again and held the necklace slightly forward so she could see the red stone.
”What’s that?” Masako asked her as she saw Ume staring at the necklace almost as if she were seeing it for the first time again.
Ume felt a tear try to snake its way down her face and quickly wiped it away before it could get far.
”My last guardian. Koyama.” she said quietly.
”It’s all I have left of him since he died protecting me… some of his blood is in this crystal, its what gives it the color.”
Masako sighed and raised an eyebrow as she looked at it. She had yet to tell Ume that she knew Koyama before he died. The two had an uneasy friendship, her close ties and love of the clan had been a problem between them, but they had still managed to be friends through it. But here that didn’t matter, she pushed down her personal thoughts and instead looked at the necklace for what it was, for the meaning it held to the girl in front of her.
”So a reminder of a protector… and of another man that wasn’t Kotaru. Perhaps someone else whose feelings always came between you and he?”
Ume looked up from the necklace to Masako as her face suddenly seemed to drain of all color.
”I mean, I had a crush on Koyama sure but…” her words trailed off as she suddenly remembered the moments of Koyama’s death. The way she had kissed him, she knew she had felt more for him than a simple crush. But she had never voiced it. Her necklace always reminded her of that.
’And probably reminds Kota too…’ Ume felt herself frown as she stared down at it.
”Koyama gave me his shiin you know.” she said quietly.
”He said… he said that way he’d always be my protector. The last thing he said to me was to be happy.”
’He always was a hopeful bastard wrapped in an armor of cynicism…’ Masako shook her head and smiled slightly.
”Then you lied to me.” She said quietly, still smiling as Ume suddenly looked at her in shock.
”That necklace isn’t the only thing you have left of him. That necklace is just something you hold onto… so is it really all that important? Or is it keeping you from what you want?” She raised an eyebrow as she looked at Ume.
”You finally gave up your desire to make things up to Tatsuo for Kotaru. But you still didn’t go to him. You have to let go of your physical relationship with Jinsai still, and you’ve decided to do that. Maybe you need to let go of this too. Do you think he can let you in again with the remnants of another man around your neck?”
Ume fell quiet for a few moments as she looked down at the necklace before nodding.
”I need some time alone.” she told Masako before slipping off the desk. As she moved to sit in the chair she heard the other woman head out the door and close it behind her. Ume reached up behind her neck and undid the necklace, setting it aside before getting out a small white box. She carefully placed the necklace inside of it and set it aside. She calmly took out a piece of paper and began writing a letter. When she was done, the letter she would roll up and tie with a small ribbon. Both the letter and the small box she’d place in a small wooden chest to have delivered to the teahouse that Kotaru owned.
Whenever he finally returned to the village he would find it waiting for him.
Dear Kota,
I know you’re probably tired of hearing from me, I just ask that you hear me out one last time. I know I’ve managed to hurt you again. I thought I was giving you the truth, but I was unthinking. What I told you was true to me at the time, which is why the Genjutsu would not have caught it at the time. It could not register what I did not yet know myself after all. Of all the mistakes I have made that hurt you, the greatest one I made was that I never asked myself what I wanted.
I know I hurt you by constantly chasing after Tatsuo. I let myself think I owed him somehow, I never let myself think otherwise.
You asked me if I could give you what you need if we were to be together, and I told you no. But I never thought to ask myself, this life that I live, that makes it impossible for me to give you what you would want for me, could I give that up for you?
Yes, I can.
I’ve never asked myself before what I want. I knew that I was not over you, and I knew that I wanted to be with you, but I never actually sat down and asked myself how badly I wanted you.
You told me last I saw you that I should find someone who doesn’t make me want to punish myself, and though I’ve shown you otherwise I want you to know that you don’t make me feel that way. I wanted to punish myself because of myself, no one else. The only time I have ever felt happy is with you actually.
Maybe I’m too late. Maybe I can’t convey to you properly how much you mean to me after all, I’ve wracked my brain for days how to show you. Words don’t feel like enough, and I can’t think of a single gift that is enough.
All I could think to give you is what’s in this little white box, a symbol of the greatest weight of guilt I have ever felt. But the last thing he ever said to me was to be happy, and to me that is you. I want to finally choose you, and if you still want me, keep this. If I find it returned to me, I’ll understand your answer.
All in all, just know that I do still love you. It’s finally you that I’m waiting for.
~ Ume