[Accepted]Graw

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:31 am

Username: Kitsui
Owner: Nirvana/Nehan
Mountain Spine


Graw
The Mountain Devourer



General Information
Type: Summon
Gender: Unknown
Age: Unknown
Appearance:
  • Face/head: The mountain devourer's head is a large opening with multitude of razor sharp teeth. It's mouth can open in three different stages, first is the outer cover of it's head which is made out flesh of rock and the second one being it's softer inside which only reveals itself when it opens it's mouth wide enough and the third it all folds in on itself.
  • Body: A long rock hard worm body that's covered in sharp rocks. The rocks on it's body are shaped into triangles and act as a defense against unwarranted attacks and can even cut nearby foes who are unfortunate enough the be grazed by the behemoth. The mountain devourer is max cap sized to it's rank, meaning it's 25 meter long and has a gape of 10 meters wide, with the body being as wide as it's mouth.
  • Notable Features: Intimidating grotesque opening maw, rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, rock and moss covered body.
Personality:
  • General: The mountain devourer lacks a personality as it doesn't speak save for one word "Graw", which Nehan being the only one able to understand what the worm is saying, it lives to do one thing and that is to devour anything in it's path. A monster from another world, pure hatred for earthlings save for those he has been forced to socialize with, yet the others have no idea what he says so he attempts to keep mostly for himself and Nehan.
  • Hopes/Dreams: To eat another mountain.
  • Fears: To die before eating another mountain.
  • Combat Mentality:Attack from below and kill anything within it's path.
Battle Information Rank: A-Rank
Stats
  • Ninjutsu: 1
  • Taijutsu: 35
  • Genjutsu: 1
  • Stamina: 40
  • Control: 1
  • Strength: 45
  • Speed: 27
  • Instinct: 10
Equipment: Razor sharp teeth and sharp rock body that are more than capable to shred through skin and armor.
Abilities and Concentrations [c][quote=Gigantism Ability]This Spirit has an excessive amount of chakra, which causes it to be much larger of other spirits of similar classification. Its excess size is better represented by its higher stamina and strength compared to many other similar spirits.[/quote]
Abilities
The Mountain
[b]Ninjutsu[/b][N/A] [b]Taijutsu[/b][Worm Body][Acrobatic][Perception] [b]Genjutsu[/b][N/A]
Concentrations

Jutsu
TaijutsuShow
Rock Style:
A style focuses on physically overwhelm it's opponent via usage of strength, acrobatics and tactics.

Worm Body, Acrobatics, Perception
Munch!
D-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
This is an easy taijutsu to perform, using its massive jaw to bite down on its foes. From there on Graw can chew on his opponents or hold them in place.

Rock Crawler!
D-Rank Taijutsu Discipline
The Mountain Devourer effectively "swims" underground using it's raw strength (max speed stat) to move about, through rock and dirt, creating small tunnels after itself as it moves around.

Head First!
D-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
This is an easy taijutsu to perform, using its massive speed to hit the opponent with mighty force.

Deep understanding
D-Rank Taijutsu Discipline
The Mountain Devourer listens to the different taps caused by Nehan and understands where and when to attack via the taps.

Rise!
D-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer rises out of the ground and reaches as high up as it can and sets up for the next attack.
Crash!
C-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes a minor earthquake, which makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength) to keep their footing. The quake reaches as far as 50 meters in diameters.

Dive!
C-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer "swims" at a high rate then dives out of the ground before creating a new hole where it lands.

Prime!
C-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer eats away underground, making holes that are easier to crash and cause massive damage. This technique allows the worm to prepare to make the earth surrounding the battlefield more susceptible to earthquakes and cave ins. With this rank it can reach 25 meter per post.

Trapped Down there!
C-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer collapses any cave behind it by leaving the edges frail enough to fall once it's massive body has moved out of the way. This can trap targets underground.

Circled in!
C-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Down under/Target underground.
The Mountain Devourer starts circling in around the targets once they are underground, effectively making the arena smaller and smaller until they eventually they clash.
Prime Crash!
B-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!, Prime!
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes a medium earthquake and causes massive cave ins that can reach as far as 100 meters in every directions. The earthquake also makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength) to keep their footing.

Dive Master!
B-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Dive!
The Mountain Devourer dives at a high rate and continuous to use it's momentum to dive off the ground for 3 posts, creating massive caves.

360 Smack!
B-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!
The Mountain Devourer starts rotating and attacks in a full circle after it has smacked the ground, using its massive body cause even more damage to those that are already effected by the quake.

Extreme Prime!
B-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer eats away underground and prepares to make the earth surrounding the battlefield more susceptible to earthquakes. With this rank it can reach 50 meter per post.

Fast Bugger!
B-Rank Taijutsu Discipline
The Mountain Devourer gains a temporarily speed boost (+9 Speed) as it utilizes more strength to move at a faster rate for five posts at the loss of -18 Strength after 5 posts.
Prime Destruction!
A-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!, Prime!
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes a major earthquake and causes massive cave ins that can reach as far as 200 meters in every directions. The earthquake also makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength) to keep their footing. Those with -10 Strength than TMD will suffer damage from crashing into the ground.

Ultima Prime!
A-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer forgoes the eating and moves the dirt out of it's way as it forces a large gap underground and prepares to make the earth surrounding the battlefield more susceptible to earthquakes. With this rank it can reach 100 meter per post.
Optimums Prime!
S-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!, Prime!, 40 Strength
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes an extreme earthquake that will cause major destruction and devastation. If used at the center of a village, those on the outer rim will feel it's massive crash, it causes massive cave ins that can reach as far as 300 meters in every directions. The earthquake also makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength )to keep their footing. Those with -5 Strength than TMD will suffer damage from crashing into the ground.

History

The Mountain Devourer is a legend old tale that lives in an unknown land, it is said that this monster has leveled a mountain hence it's name. It has moved from country to country, leaving large cave ins at it's wake. A monster to be feared, the beast destroys villages it cross paths with and is said to be a monster without reason. Not much is known about it other than a few tales here and there, it is believed that it has gone dormant after a long period of time.

Mankind has tried at different time periods to take the beast down and legend has it that it was once controlled by an ancient master. It also foretells the coming of a new master that will control the being, much to the fear of the local population. No one knows where it comes from or whether it will make it's grand return, only time will tell.
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Lacarix
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Lacarix » Tue Jun 06, 2017 8:53 am

‘Made out of pure rock’ I’m sure for the summon to have a ‘Rock’ body it would need the Elemental Body ability.

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Zangy » Tue Jun 06, 2017 11:12 am

This is clearly Onix from Pokemon. -_-
CodingsShow
Oohazure: [color=#AFAD00][b]""[/b][/color]
Yumegokochi: [center][color=#79CDCD][font=Georgia][big][[sub][/sub]][/big][/font][/color][/center]
Okuure Daisuke: [b][color=#BA7CBC]""[/color][/b]
Kouseki Kazouchi: [b][color=#007D4F]""[/color][/b]

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Tue Jun 06, 2017 1:49 pm

The armor is made out of rocks and yes this is from pokemon but Naruto version.

Edit: Changed to flesh and rock
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Lacarix
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Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:00 pm

[Accepted]Graw

Post by Lacarix » Tue Jun 06, 2017 1:59 pm

It needs to be made clear its armour made from rock, I don't think it can just have rock as part of it's body. I tried to make a rock golem and was told the same thing.

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:36 pm

Why couldn't a summon have rock "skin"?
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Zangy
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Zangy » Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:47 pm

Kitsui:
Tue Jun 06, 2017 6:49 pm
yes this is from pokemon but Naruto version.
Popular media rule says this is a no go.
CodingsShow
Oohazure: [color=#AFAD00][b]""[/b][/color]
Yumegokochi: [center][color=#79CDCD][font=Georgia][big][[sub][/sub]][/big][/font][/color][/center]
Okuure Daisuke: [b][color=#BA7CBC]""[/color][/b]
Kouseki Kazouchi: [b][color=#007D4F]""[/color][/b]

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Sia » Tue Jun 06, 2017 4:28 pm

I mean, he can have it as is really, just needs to not literally call it Onix lmao.
A Compilation of Things to Keep in Mind on NSRPShow
Onu:
And then he tried to bang me and I asked if we could just cuddle so he knows I’m still upset about it
Kao:
Do you have one of him looking at daddy angrily
Kao:
boo fucking hoo
Onu:
validusrex#1137 — Today at 12:28 AM
25% American is still 100% FREE BABY LETS FUCKING GO
This Delightful Exchange:
Sinpoder: Where can I find a mentor?
Sinpoder: or is that Sia?
Nick: Sia is more of a palpatine than a mentor
Valkier:
Sia's the opposite, they know the system better than any of us but then ignores it to try do/allow whatever regardless 😛
Hayate:
Your intention doesn't matter if your action creates pain
Validusrex, Size of 15 Ryo Puppet Boat:
Half a kayak, large enough to fit one person bent-over or crossed-legged.
Siatupid:
There is peace in being trash.
Wright:
calling people pussies, bitches or whatever and threatening to hurt people makes you very much less than a man and much like a young boy
Onu:
You intentionally handicapping yourself is not a reason to change the system.
Onu:
It is not the mods job to build ideas for you, its our job to make them systematically acceptable. If there is a core concept to it that isn't acceptable, there is nothing any mod can say that will magically make it work.
Onu:
"Over half of the questions asked in the box can be answered by reading the rules."
Sia:
"Everything is banned until balanced."
Kabuto:
"Tourneys bring out the worst in people."
Tydie:
And part of why I scooped him is cus I wanted to make him a Toukai and people told me they thought it was a bad idea :/
so now Ryoga is a constant reminder to always do what I WANT to do, not what others think I should do
Tydie:
saigen is like the dysfunctional family you choose to be part of
Methtastic:
Crazy how elaborate the system is for a group of people who only finish a fight a tenth of the time after 2 months of arguing over 3 seconds of combat
Varian:
If you want to speed up the process you can just talk to one of the other staff members about it.
Most of them have been around longer than Director and can actually read.
The Best Fucking Chuunin Exam Ever:

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Zangy » Tue Jun 06, 2017 4:35 pm

And talk like a pokemon. :P
CodingsShow
Oohazure: [color=#AFAD00][b]""[/b][/color]
Yumegokochi: [center][color=#79CDCD][font=Georgia][big][[sub][/sub]][/big][/font][/color][/center]
Okuure Daisuke: [b][color=#BA7CBC]""[/color][/b]
Kouseki Kazouchi: [b][color=#007D4F]""[/color][/b]

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:51 am

Gimme a cool name then haters :P

Edit: Changed it to Onyx instead haha.
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Zangy
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Zangy » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:49 am

Not different enough.
CodingsShow
Oohazure: [color=#AFAD00][b]""[/b][/color]
Yumegokochi: [center][color=#79CDCD][font=Georgia][big][[sub][/sub]][/big][/font][/color][/center]
Okuure Daisuke: [b][color=#BA7CBC]""[/color][/b]
Kouseki Kazouchi: [b][color=#007D4F]""[/color][/b]

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Thu Jun 08, 2017 12:53 pm

Come oooooooon D: Where in the rules does it say that we aren't allowed to use popular media schtick. I thought we got rid of that?
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Cylan
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Location: The Lonesome Road

[Accepted]Graw

Post by Cylan » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:17 pm

Quote:
Moderators reserve the right to deny the use of a picture if it too closely matches a character from a popular media.
I found this mention of popular media in the rules here.
S-Rank Missing NinKonohagakure's Most Wanted • Missions: S:1 A:3 B:7 C:0 D:0
| Nin: 9 | Tai: 8 | Gen: 10 | Sta: 15 | Con: 15 | Str: 11 | Spe: 10 | Wit: 11 |

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Sat Jun 10, 2017 4:14 pm

Well it says pictures lol, nothing about name o.o or likeness. . Sigh. . .
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Kabu
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Kabu » Sun Jun 11, 2017 11:37 pm

I'll let someone else sort out the popular media thing

Crash! <- 50 meters is too far

Prime Crash! <- 100 meters seems too far

Dive Master! <- Not too sure what this is actually doing besides creating caves. Need to better explain how that result is achieved

Fast Bugger! <- Need to explain what it's actually doing to get the boosts

Prime Destruction! <- 200 meters is too far

NPCsShow
Shinsen Kyoko - #99840A
Kyomu Nozomi - #5960A8
Ibakuro Rin - #9E4FA5
Nakiya Hotaru - #9E540A
Nakano Kiyomi - #8E47AD], Nakano Ayaka - #0C1C8C
Fukusha Nezumi - #E00747
Karagata yamada - #CE1126, Makura Ayame - #7251BC
Kabu's Test Thread

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:12 am

Kabu, this is a 25 meter long rock worm that weighs tons and has 45 strength are you kidding me that 50 meters is too far? and the others as well, especially when it has to eat the ground beneath it before it can do that attack?

Same with the other attacks!

Dive master.. . . It dives out of the ground?

Fast bugger. . . It. . . moves faster?
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Lacarix
Posts: 4750
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:00 pm

[Accepted]Graw

Post by Lacarix » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:29 am

‘"Graw", which Nehan being the only one able to understand what the worm is saying’ – Why does he understand this? Go into detail for that a little, even if it’s just they have built up a strong relationship.

I feel like everything from history to personality are lacking, I get you are going for the unknown element and I kinda get that Nehan doesn’t know, but I’m unsure why we know nothing about this Summon at all. Not everything can be unknown.

A major issue I have, is what does he do with all the dirt he digs? It needs to go somewhere, does he swallow it and store it in himself.

Worm Body
Go into more detail on the style itself.

Munch!
D-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
This is an easy taijutsu to perform, using its massive jaw to clench down on its foes. < Does he just bite them to hold them in place? Does he swallow them? Or does he store them in his mouth.

Rock Crawler! < Raw Strength, that would suggest anyone with enough strength could ‘swim’ though the earth, just go into detail how it’s doing it. Like it’s body is used like a shovel and it wiggles it’s way through or something.

Dive! ‘off the ground to much whatever is above’ < What?

Prime! < Put a little more detail in here, just explain that its making the ground below weaker by removing the earth itself.


Fast Bugger! < I’m not sure how it’s doing this without the use of Ninjutsu, perhaps if you made is shed parts of it’s rock like body so that it weighs less and then in turn moves quicker?

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:49 am

Fixed.

The dirt he digs are either swallowed and pooped out or! Moved out of the way with his massive strength.

I also fixed the jutsu's!
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

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Lacarix
Posts: 4750
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:00 pm

[Accepted]Graw

Post by Lacarix » Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:01 am

Make sure you go into more detail about their relationship in the PB and I’d like to see the progress of them learning to understand one another.

Other than that, going to say 1/2


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Willoria
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Willoria » Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:00 am

You refer to worm body as a style when its clearly a concentration. At the top of the taijutsu style you need to describe the taijutsu style to include what concentrations are needed. Update that so its actually a style description with those prerequisites please. Otherwise, as is, its not a style and every jutsu will need to cite what concentrations are required to perform those jutsu.

After a discussion in mod chat, please see the below requested changes on jutsu:
Quote:
Prime Crash!
B-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!, Prime!
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes a medium earthquake and causes massive cave ins that can reach as far as 100 meters in every directions. The earthquake also makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength) to keep their footing. The quake reaches as far as 75 meters in diameters.
Jutsu is inconsistent. You say it causes cave ins as far as 100 meters but then state the quake only reaches 75 meters.
Quote:
Prime Destruction!
A-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
Prerequisite: Rise!, Prime!
After it stands straight, the large summon slams it's body to the ground and causes a major earthquake and causes massive cave ins that can reach as far as 200 meters in every directions. The earthquake also makes it harder for opponents ([Strength+Taijutsu/2] vs The monsters strength) to keep their footing. The quake reaches as far as 150 meters in diameters. Those with -10 Strength than TMD will suffer damage from crashing into the ground.
Same as above, jutsu is inconsistent. You say it reaches as far as 200 meters but then say the quake reaches 150 meters.
Quote:
Ultima Prime!
A-Rank Taijutsu Maneuver
The Mountain Devourer eats away underground and prepares to make the earth surrounding the battlefield more susceptible to earthquakes. With this rank it can reach 100 meter per post.
Eating dirt isn't instant and takes a while to accomplish. Scale this down to 50 meters per 2 posts please.
The Tales of the Aes Sedai Fukusha Reina - Iwagakure No Sato - Jounin - #EF2B2D Atsushi Cho - Tea Country - D Rank Samurai - #A34402 Hanzo - Sunagakure No Sato - Genin - #35C4AF

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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Trusted Grader » Fri Jun 23, 2017 11:49 am

Edited, removed the eating part of Ultima prime so I'm keeping it at 100 meters per post. The rest should be good to go.
CharactersShow
Different Sides Of The War
Order
The Compassionate
Karagata, Yuuto
Special Jounin: Kiri
[Lightblue]
SSM
Sushi
The Lawful
Shoshiki, Amaya
Bannin: Iwa
[Palegoldenrod]
H.N.K
Wana, Ran
The Hunter
Inuzuka, Kitsui
Genin: Konoha
[Forestgreen]
N/A
Wana
Treasure Hunter
Amigaou, Mahalow
B-Rank: Suna
[Olive]
[N/A]
[N/A]
The Invisible
Nonki, Hotaru
Jounin / Spy: Kumo
[#7FA08C][Dimgray][Gray]
S.T.R.A.T.O.S
Kirie
The Mercenary
Nara, Chikara
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Purple]
Setsuzoku
Chie, Yasu, Wakana, Ayuma, Shiryoku
The Cryomancer
Aisu, Yuri
Genin: Kiri
[Skyblue]
N/A
N/A
The Jashinist
Kijo, Nehan
S-Rank MN: Konoha
[Maroon]
Chishiki
Graw


Amaya's Book 1
Amaya's Book 2

User avatar
Lacarix
Posts: 4750
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:00 pm

[Accepted]Graw

Post by Lacarix » Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:23 pm

Gonna say 1/2

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Willoria
Posts: 12128
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[Accepted]Graw

Post by Willoria » Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:36 pm

2/2

Accepted

This application has been accepted. Congratulations! Any necessary changes will be handled by the moderating team.
The Tales of the Aes Sedai Fukusha Reina - Iwagakure No Sato - Jounin - #EF2B2D Atsushi Cho - Tea Country - D Rank Samurai - #A34402 Hanzo - Sunagakure No Sato - Genin - #35C4AF

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