The Tears We Held Back

[Kaida]

It had been over a month since she had last spent time with her cousin. They passed each other in the halls, kitchen and training facilities and they went on missions together. But they hadn’t had any one-on-one time since it was revealed that it was Eiko who had died, and Jashin had been alive this whole time. It still fucked with her head, all the years she had spent grieving the wrong cousin, knowing now that he had seen it all. Was there beside her as she buried him, watched her cry over him...and then he pulled away as the only family she had left in Eiko.

She had debated going to see them sooner, but she hadn’t had a grip on her feelings yet. The wounds still too fresh and raw between them and what she had gone through with Eiji and Kohaku. Something she could have used his help with. And now, she found herself being driven even more insane by what happened with her and Takeshi 2 weeks ago, and the subsequent fact that he seemed to be avoiding her.

In trying to work through her feelings and clear her mind, she had beaten the literal stuffing out of her punching bag. Her mind was all over the place and she was stuck feeling lost and overwhelmed, like somehow, she was always doing the wrong thing. What happened with Eiji and Kohaku was a mistake, but she couldn’t regret it because of how important they were to her. How she reacted to Jashin was also a mistake, she should never have let her emotions get the best of her. If she had had any less control...well, she couldn’t think about that without firmly breaking down. And with Takeshi...that didn’t feel like a mistake. Not to her anyway, but with him avoiding her who was to say what was going through his mind?

Akemi could have sworn she had worn a path down in her room from all her pacing, choosing only to be there to pass out after hours of exhausting herself with training. It made it easier to sleep in there knowing what had previously taken place. But it wasn’t helping anymore, her thoughts had nowhere to go and realistically speaking, she had no one to talk to. Unless...she swallowed her pride and her hurt feelings and approached Jashin like she used to when they were younger. She knew they had both been in the wrong, and she could only understand his grief to an extent given the fact that Eiko and Jashin were twins, and Akemi was just their cousin.

Giving her head a shake and ignoring her fear, she made up her mind. Looking at the clock it was late, after 10. But knowing her little shadow, he would still be wide awake. She slid on a pair of grey slippers and draped a forest green robe over her sage green colored pajama shorts and tank top; her hair hanging loosely around her shoulders, tousled from the number of times she had pulled at it that night.

Leaving her room, she walked down the hallway to where his door was, her nerves getting the best of her as she swayed back and forth between knocking and turning around to leave. She groaned at how pathetic she was, her head thunking against the door before she could realize what was happening causing her to panic internally before finally speaking up. Her voice initially came out small, with her needing to cough to clear it so she could be heard through the wooden frame. “Jashin? I know it’s late...and things still aren’t okay yet, but I was hoping we could maybe pretend for a night? Because I’m losing my mind, and I have no one else I can go to...” She hated how weak her voice sounded, already thick with potential tears at him turning her away. More evidence that she burned everything that she touched. She left her forehead on the door, eyes closed, and hands crossed under her bust while she waited for a response.

[zory_alechiv]

If people thought the elder Nara was a ghost before, then it was nothing compared to how they behaved now. Outside of training and missions, Eiko wasn't one to be seen in the Nara Compound or in the ANBU halls. It was just like before Akemi had joined ANBU and Takeshi had made an effort to reach out. Their walls were higher than ever before and if it weren't for their usefulness, they might have retired from ANBU to do their own thing. There wasn't much use for a shadow assassin outside of a shadow organization.

They hadn't heard Eiko's voice in their head since they'd told them to 'fuck off' either but they knew it wasn't because she was offended. In reality, Jashin knew it was because he hated that part of himself as he lost yet another family member, someone he actually cared for. Even more was the comfort he found in being this new version of himself. Comfort he wasn't sure others would understand.

Either way, sleep wasn't something that ever came easy with this newfound pain. He made sure it didn't hinder his duty, but if it wasn't for the mask, they would all see the bags under his eyes. Tonight was one of those nights that he hoped sleep would claim him sooner, rather than later, but he had no such luck. His thoughts swirled around his cousin. From afar, she'd seemed her usual self but he knew how to look underneath. She was frazzled and he wanted to help her, but knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

The sharp slam at his door made him jump and gracefully roll from the bed to squat close to the ground. In one hand, he held a kunai and the shadows around him danced. At the sound of Akemi's voice, his shoulders sagged in relief. If anyone had seen him, he'd be embarrassed, but for now, he pulled himself together and placed his kunai back under his pillow. He straightened and looked around the room, ensuring no dirty underwear was lying around. It wasn't, he was very neat. Eiko had been the messy one.

Jashin stepped towards the door and opened it, leaving it open in an invitation for her to come in as he turned back to the room. A bookshelf lined one wall, the bed lined the other. In between them was a desk with his source of lowlight. Upon his desk was his horse painted ANBU mask along with his gear. The only thing that wasn't on the desk were his sandals which were beside the door, his black tank top with the mask attachment which he wore, and his black pants. His hair was braided neatly down to one side and he dropped back into the bed, crossing his bare feet at the ankles.

Looking at her up close, it was clear to see how frazzled she really was and it didn't take him long to figure out that she needed someone to talk to. He was surprised she came to him because he blamed himself for everything that had happened to Eiko so it wasn't hard to blame himself for the things that had happened with Akemi.

He didn't insult her with sass, or some offer of olive branch. He wasn't looking to change her opinion of him, he deserved whatever vile thing she said about him. Yet, he did shift so he was watching her quietly, waiting for her to speak.

[Kaida]

She released a sharp exhale as her cousin opened the door, the air in the room fragile as she entered. Looking around she saw his room from the door frame, it was more or less like it was back at the compound from when they were kids, when she would go looking to find him. After he died, she would walk by the window sometimes and look in, trying to catch a glimpse of a ghost to ease the pain in her chest. She would have given anything to see him again.

Akemi took a few cautious steps into the middle of the room, her eyes unable to meet Jashins as she stood there trying to make the words come out. Her eyes started to sting thinking back on the last time they were alone, how quickly it had turned and how badly it could have gone because of her stupid temper. A lone tear slid down her face, the sheer ache of missing him and hurting him bearing down on her chest. She tried to breathe through it, tried to stop the proverbial waterfall before it started again so she could explain. Her shoulders started to shake as more and more tears quietly fell from her eyes, finally meeting his own. It felt like a knife in her heart, all the grief from Eiko and Jashin, Eiji and Kohaku, and now Takeshi shattering insider her. Her voice was thick with emotion as she stuttered, trying to say anything. “Ani-san I’m so sorry.”

And just like that, the dam broke. Her hands flying to her eyes to try and stop the tears and bottle up the feeling of being so small and pathetic. For the first time in a long time, she felt like the child she was. Quietly sobbing in her cousins room, the only real family she had that even remotely cared about her, all she could think about was her mistakes and how she ruined everything with the people she cared about. How there had to be something wrong with her for not being able to be better, to cope better, to choose better. There had to be a reason her own parents didn’t notice her and her brothers thought she was just an inconvenience. That Jashin couldn’t tell her the truth about what happened. That she couldn’t speak up sooner with Eiji and Kohaku that what had happened was wrong, she should have been able to prevent it. And Takeshi...while not a mistake for her, there had to be a reason why it seemed like it was for him. In all of her problems, she was the only common denominator, so she had to be the cause for it.

[zory_alechiv]

As soon as the tears began, he was moving. First, was to gently shut the door to keep prying eyes out. It shut with a tiny 'snip,' and then he crossed the room to her in a single step before pulling her into a tight hug, muffling the last of her words against his shoulder.

"Shh, shh, Kojika," he murmurs, his voice rumbling from his chest instead of his nose. After a moment, he guides them to his bed to sit and pulls her against him. For a while, he just lets her sob as he processes the words she had said.

“Ani-san I’m so sorry.”

Why is she sorry? He wonders but knows her well enough to know that like Eiko would, and him, they blame everything on themselves when it's not always their fault. It's kind of odd how a month of self reflection revealed nothing but four words from his cousin brought him clarity he had needed for years, ever since Eiko had died. He huffed a small laugh at himself before cupping her cheeks and forcing her to look at him.

"Imouto-chan," he says softly, brushing wild strands of dark hair from her face. "My sins are not yours. You have every right to feel the way you do about me, you have every right to be angry. I know what I did wasn't easy, but your feelings are validated." He paused to look up and exhaled slowly, his loose hairs flapping in the soft breeze. "Just like I had every right to feel hopeless and vulnurable and I did what I had to do to keep going. I knew if I had tried to say this then, it would have been nothing but excuses and maybe they still are, but to me they're valid reasons."

He dropped his hand into his lap, the other going to her shoulder. "I knew I was someone you counted on and that terrified me. Eiko counted on me too and I couldn't," he shut his eyes and squeezed her shoulder as he paaused. "I couldn't lose you too. I couldn't go through that a second time, but we're shinobi. Death is part of it so I pulled away because I wasn't strong enough. What's more is I wanted you to hate me. I felt like I deserved it and even if you say I didn't, or that I do, I know that that was how I felt. Does that make sense?"

He paused and took another look at her, realizing that this couldn't have just been about him, but he'd always been there for her. Her and Eiko's protective and sturdy shadow. "But I'm here now and I'm working on getting my shit together. I don't trust myself, but I'm trying. I am trying to be here for you, if you want."

[Kaida]

As soon as Jashin’s arms wrapped around her, Akemi collapsed into him, no longer able to really hold herself up at him being there and under the weight of her feelings. As he brought her to the bed, she curled up against him like she had when she was a child, her hands clenched in his shirt as she held him tighter to her. Her knees drawn up to her chest as she sobbed into his frame. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had been held like this where nothing was expected of her, where she was just able to cry and have that be okay.

She sniffled into his chest as she listened to him, the sound of his heartbeat calming her frayed sense of self and grounding her to be present. It took a few minutes but eventually the hard wracking sobs subsided, her head ached but she felt a little lighter at having let her feelings out somewhat. “I could never hate you baka. I love you. And I’ve missed you, so much.” Her voice came out quieter than normal, her usual bravado not present in her vulnerable state of mind. In feeling like she had lost both of her cousins, she moved closer to Kohaku and Eiji to fill the gap the Nara twins had left behind in her heart. But it was never enough. “I was mad that you lied, that you watched me hurt over you and you said nothing. But I don’t hate you, I just didn’t understand. And I lost my temper...I hurt you, and if I hadn’t stopped...I'm so sorry.” Her eyes watered once more at the thought of what could have happened to Jashin had she continued, the guilt pooling in her eyes as she looked at him. “I wasn’t there for you either, and I so badly want to be.”

Her heart went out to him, overshadowing her guilt as he spoke about what happened to Eiko, and his fear at losing Akemi, how scared he was that she needed him. She stayed close, offering whatever comfort she could to him to show that she wasn’t going anywhere. It made her wonder how much better off they both would have been if they could have grieved together, instead of trying so hard to live a part. The contact slowly started to seal a rift in Akemi’s heart, she finally didn’t feel so alone. She breathed easy for the first time in what felt like years.

His awkward and surprisingly emotional confession about wanting to be there for her brought the first laugh she’d had in weeks from her. A wet chuckle that crinkled her eyes slightly, the overall look of her in her pajamas and curled up against him making her look her age for a change. She lightly smacked at his hand and laid her head back against his chest, being lulled by the sound of his breathing. “Of course I want you to be there Jashin, that’s all I’ve wanted my whole life. Even when I thought you were Eiko and now she's gone and it’s you again. You’re the only real family I have.” His name was said with a sweet reverence as opposed to the last time they spoke where it was snarled in anger. The thoughts about her family were always sobering when it crossed her mind, they had so many cousins and aunts and uncles between them, she had her brothers and her parents...but she only ever felt like Jashin and Eiko were her family.

She took a deep breath and sat up, reaching out to hold his hand in her own. “I feel like I’ve been losing parts of myself with every step I take. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And I don’t know how to stop being the problem. I’m losing my mind Ani-san. It feels like I’ve lost two of my best friends who I’ve had for 16 years. I lost you and then I didn’t, and I lost Eiko twice. And now it feels like I messed up the first place I feel like I really belong in because I messed up with Takeshi. And I don’t know what to do.” Her voice started to tremble, the pressure and anxiety building once more, but she kept the tears at bay. She couldn’t just cry herself out of this. Out of everyone, Jashin had always seen what laid beneath the surface with Akemi. He knew when something was wrong and when she was making a mistake, and he always helped her fix it or do better. And that’s what she needed right now. As much as she needed to not feel alone...she needed to know how to fix this. “Please help me fix this, because I don’t think I can. And I know, I’m a grown up now and I need to figure it out. And I shouldn’t be placing it on you...but I can’t even figure out where to start let alone how to stop being such a fuck up.” Her voice was pleading with him, she was desperate to be better and to be someone actually worth something for once. And it killed her that she couldn’t do that on her own.

[zory_alechiv]

The silence that followed was only broken by muffled sobs and the rustle of fabric as Jashin rubbed his cousin’s back in comfort. It was nostalgic in ways he didn’t think he’d ever feel again. Eiko and Akemi had always been outgoing and made friends easily. He had been content to remain solo outside of their trio. Even to them, he was the complainer, the one who much preferred to sit in trees and read or nap, to stay out of view of everyone. It wasn’t uncommon to see people cringe when they said his name. He’d long ago determined that his parents had a twisted sense of humor or really were intimidated by him. Despite portraying Eiko for so long, both of his parents still said that: ‘Eiko’s eyes were more like Jashin’s now. Cold and cruel.’

It wasn’t something he truly believed until Eiko had died and he could see the darkness surrounding him. He’d been Akemi and Eiko’s balm when they tried to fly too high and got burned. He didn’t care what others thought and then his light was murdered before his eyes and he snuffed the rest of it out, wanting to be as dark as others thought him to be.

“I’m still going to be an idiot,” he chuckled. I don’t think that will ever change and I know I will mess things up again, But I will try. I can promise to try to not put up my walls again. At least if I do, I’ll be sure to build a door for you.”

He was never a man of many words and now that she had been able to say her piece between them and he had said his, he felt relieved. He took her hand easily and slid back on the bed until his back was against the wall and his feet dangled off the side. A shadow flickered in the candlelight, stretching across the floor until it could slide into the bottom drawer of his dresser. When it receded from the drawer, it pulled a small sake bottle with it before dropping it between them.

“I doubt that it is entirely your fault. I’m here if you want to talk about it, or talk through it. Or if you need me to just listen I can do that as well. I am here now, Akemi-chan.”

[Kaida]

She chuckled as Jashin’s shadow brought out a stowed bottle of sake from his drawer. She looked at him as she took a sip from the bottle, her eyes crinkling with a small smile. “It’s a good thing I’m still little, it won’t have to be a very big door.” She bumped their shoulders together and handed in the bottle. His reassurance that she could talk to him felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. His offer to talk more had her pause, she knew she needed to, but she was worried about what he might think of her after. And her only options were to talk to him or go insane. She braced herself and took a deep breath, stealing her nerves as she was unable to meet his gaze. "Just remember...you asked."

Over the next several minutes Akemi spoke about what had happened this past year, all the mistakes that she had made. With Eiji and Kohaku being where she started. She told Jashin about the chunin exams, how proud she was to have passed and then how disappointed she was to find that her family either didn’t notice or didn’t care. So, she spent the night with the boys getting drunk and talking about the future. One of the topics being the fact that as a kunoichi, certain things might be expected of her, and she was afraid of her first real experience being on the job and with someone she didn’t know and who didn’t care about her. That led to more drinking, which led to an absurd idea that the three of them should sleep together to get it over with so at least it would come from a place of love; even if that love was only platonic. It was nothing special, but it did comfort Akemi to know that it happened with her two best friends as opposed to a stranger.

That should have been the end of it, but it wasn’t. Each time she came home from a mission, the house would be empty, and she started to feel more and more lost and forgotten about as time went on. Making her seek out comfort from her teammates. And though it only happened a handful of times, she knew it wasn’t right for her. But she was afraid if she spoke up about how it was a mistake to continue...she would lose them. And true enough when she broached the subject with them after joining ANBU, it did not go well. Eiji was supportive, though she could see the hurt in his eyes and how he pulled back from her. Kohaku was angry and bitter, whether it was because she was breaking up their team or telling him they had gotten to close and it shouldn’t have happened was unclear to her. As a result she hadn’t seen or spoken to either of them in months, and they hadn’t tried either.

Akemi took a deep breath as she let her breathing settle once more, knowing that it was a lot to take in and feeling badly that there was still more to go. She found herself unable to stop though as the words just kept coming out. She took another drink from the sake bottle, enjoying the burn as she recalled her latest fuck up, the one that she desperately wanted to turn into something more. Withdrawing her hand from her cousin, she scooted back on the bed and brought her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them as she continued.

She spoke about Takeshi, about their flirty banter and how he made her feel seen after so long of being ignored. How he had gotten her to agree to join ANBU on the premise it could be a home for her, somewhere she could belong. How their banter progressed each time they saw each other, how she called him sweetheart to rile him up and how he recently started calling her kitten. Their morning food fight and how close they had been to kissing. The shower afterward where they almost caved into what they were feeling. How he came to her room to get her for training, and it led to them hooking up minus the actual sex part. She couldn’t stop the details as they rolled off her tongue, how happy and wanted she felt around him, the way he kissed her and ignited something inside she didn’t know existed. The way he spoke to her about wanting more and staying afterwards to be close and enjoy the moment before going back to train properly; assuring her he would talk to Nakano, giving her hope it would be okay. She felt at home with him, and she felt challenged by him in a way that was refreshing for her. Everything was easier and lighter when he was around.

Her eyes started to water then as she remembered the past 2 weeks. How he had essentially disappeared, obvious in his attempts to not be alone with her or speak to her about anything meaningful. Pretending like nothing had happened, making her feel like he thought it was a mistake. Her hands curled into fists as her nails dug into her palms, the feeling of being stupid returning full force. Her mouth in a grimace hidden behind her knees as the room fell quiet, leaving an awkward tension in the air as she confessed all the ways she had fucked up to her cousin turned older brother. “I feel like something has to be wrong with Jash, like there has to be a reason why I’m so easily dismissed or reduced to superficial interactions. And I know I’m the problem, but I don’t know how not to be. With Eiji and Kohaku I should never have done it or at least spoken up sooner. With Takeshi...I was weak and selfish and so fucking dumb. And don’t even get me started on why my family doesn’t care because I have no idea. I’m either a burden or an inconvenience to the people in my life unless there’s something I can do for them. And I want to be so much more than that, more than just fun or comfort or useful until I’m not.” The tears had quietly and slowly began to drip down her face as she concluded her exhausting monologue. Her mind finally quiet after months of constant noise and self-deprecation. Curling in on herself even more, she rested her forehead on her knees, wishing not for the first time that a giant whole would open beneath her and swallow her down into oblivion.

[zory_alechiv]

His laugh was rich and warm as he pulled the top from the bottle and offered her a sip. After she had taken it, he would take it back and take a sip of his own. As he reclined, Akemi would be able to see more of Jashin's body language than he had ever displayed in front of her before. His shoulders hunched forward and his head was inclined back. Behind his half-lidded eyes, his gaze was sharp and focused. His free hand would tap against his thigh as if hearing some unknown tune. "Little you may be, but I've learned not to underestimate you," he teased before offering a lazy shrug.

Jashin listens as she speaks. He's known his cousin long enough that if he interrupts her, she might lose her nerve. Already she would likely be wanting to shut her mouth but he didn't want to give her a reason. Instead, he listened and handed her the bottle as she needed it. Even after she finished and curled in herself, he remained silent. If she looked at his face, she would see him calculating every word, every event, and processing how he should handle it, what should be said even as his hand rubbed soothing circles on her back.

"I could tell you that I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but I'm obligated to say that. We are family," his lips twist into a wry grin before he sobers again. "You don't need to hear that right now, nor do I think it will actually make you feel better. Neither would me agreeing with you and saying 'Yea, there is something wrong with you," because I don't think there is. Again, I don't think it'll do any good, nor would you believe me. Instead, I will tell you this story and let you make your own conclusions."

He tilts his head to look at her, his piercing gaze ready to meet hers should she lift her head. "There were two children born, twins. The first, a beautiful baby girl with round cheeks and warm brown eyes. She cried, but the moment her mother held her, she stopped and smiled. They named her Eiko because they believed her smile was infectious. 'Ei,' for beautiful flower. 'Ko,' for child. Her name suited her. And then the son was born. He cried too, only when he was held he didn't smile. Instead, his gaze narrowed up at his mother and father. They believed him to have a wicked heart so they called him Jashin." He wasn't sure if Eiko had told Akemi about their birth, but it was a sore subject for him. To tell her now would be a lot. "First impressions are everything and well, our names spoke for ourselves so people made their own conclusions and ostracized one twin in favor of the happier one. Was that my fault? Was their opinion my fault all because I didn't smile when I was a baby? Or is is their opinion? A false opinion?"

Jashin didn't give her a chance to answer just yet. Instead, he looked at the far wall as he continued on. "Is it your fault that your parents fail to see everything you've accomplished? You are near jounin, a member of an elite ANBU squad. Not many your age half accomplished half of what you have, but it's more than that. Because of your parents mistakes, you needed comfort. Because someone you once trusted and was close to closed you off after the other one died, you sought that closeness. Was that your fault to need it? No. So you became stronger, needing to be seen. To show others that you didn't need them, but you wanted them."

"As for your friends. When Eiko knew the life ahead of her, I'm fairly certain she went out to a bar and hooked up with a drunk. She wasn't happy about it and I ended up getting a few hits in on the man before she managed to pull me off of him." He shrugged one shoulder before going on. "But that is the life of a Kunoichi. I'm actually glad your friends were there for you. Someone you trusted to take care of you. Not many kunoichis have that. And it's not a crime to want to seek that comfort and safe place when you are forced to do things that make you feel dirty and unsafe. So let's go to your friends getting upset when you told them your plans.... How did you feel when you thought it was Jashin that died? Then you found out it wasn't me, but Eiko? You said you mourned twice, once for a brother, twice for a sister? You guys were close, family, yes? So is it logical for them to be doing the same thing I did? To pull away to make it so that when you lose someone you cared about that it hurts less? Like I did with you? Had you not joined ANBU, I would have never told you about this. When Eiko died, it put me in a dark place, a place I go to regularly. If something happened to you? I don't know that I could come back this time. It's terrifying."

He takes a sip but holds up his hand to keep her silent for now. Like her, he needs to get this off of his chest or he might not say it the way he wants to. "As for Takeshi, you know I can't kick his ass, right? Big, bad Hyuuga and all...would cause clan riots. The Hyuuga would never survive the Nara turning on them," he joked. "But seriously. It's just like with your team, right? Takeshi offered you what you desired the most, a place to call home. People who cared about you, hell, he looked at you and gave a shit. I'd fucking swoon too if I had someone look at me like that. Hell, he even tore through my walls, the fucking asshole. We're kinda friends now." He huffed in annoyance that didn't reach his eyes. "I don't know what his deal is. Maybe he's scared. For the record, I'm not taking his side, just wanting you to see both sides, but if I see the opportunity, I might try to kick his ass. That is, if you promise not to kick mine for hurting him." He reached up to rub at the back of his neck.

"He and Nakano are together. Does Takeshi look like he's done anything with anyone else? Not to mention he's a Hyuuga. They could have his balls for fucking with a Yamanaka, but a Nara too? Maybe it's just a clan thing. Maybe he broke Nakano's rules. I don't know, but his hang ups are not on you and if he doesn't want you, then fuck him," he shrugs. "There are other fish in the sea. I mean, sex talk isn't my thing. My only interactions have been self gratification but uh," he blushes before coughing in embarrassment. "Just uh, give him time to get his shit together too and if he can't, well he's not worth your time, and I'll kick his ass for hurting you and we can go get mochi or something. That's what we do in break ups, right? Drown ourselves in mochi and ice cream?"

[Kaida]

Akemi listened intently as Jashin spoke, respecting his need to release his demons like she had done hers. The bottle switched between them frequently, providing courage and allowing them to be vulnerable with each other. Her hand on his arm as he spoke of Eiko and their birth, what he went through when she died and his worry about if something happened to Akemi. It made her want to get even stronger, to protect him from ever experiencing that kind of pain again. She had hoped she was providing him some sort of comfort as he spoke, knowing that emotions were hard for him. They were hard for her too, she preferred to speak with her fists when triggered enough.

Hearing him compare her situation with the boys to the one Jashin had with Akemi was enlightening. She had thought it was pride that created the divide and built a wall between them, but maybe it was just fear. Fear of being replaced or forgotten along the way...of not being there to have her back in a fight and learning she didn’t come home one day. It was a sobering thought, one that increased her idea that she was selfish while also releasing her anger at them for disappearing. Jashin always had a way of making her see the things that were staring her right in the face, it's why she always went to him as a child. Why she came to him tonight. He was right that she wouldn't believe she wasn't the problem, but it was a comforting remind her that her feelings didn't dictate the situation as a whole.

The topic of Takeshi had her wanting to hide away, continue to bury the feelings that the Hyuuga stirred in her even when he wasn’t around. It hurt to try and see both sides when everything was fine before he came to her room. She did laugh though, as Jashin spoke of clan riots and threatened to attempt to kick his ass. “If anything, I think I'd kick his ass for hurting you.” She pushed at his shoulder, teasing him for being so physically fragile. “Also bold of you to assume any Nara would turn on the Hyuuga for me and my dumb broken heart.” Her chuckled was dry, hiding her insecurity behind self-deprecating humor. The ache in her chest still present but a little less as time went on with Jashin beside her.

He was right though, she couldn’t read Takeshi’s mind, meaning she didn’t know what was going on with him. And she was too chicken shit to find out after he started avoiding her. Worried he would tell her that he regretted it. Her cousins phrasing at attempting to blow Takeshi off cause her to snort sake up her nose as she took a drink. She coughed for a few seconds to clear the fluid out and laughed. Choosing to ignore his statement about self gratification and let his embarrassment slide away. “I think fucking him might make this worse. Considering big bad Hyuuga and dumb girl with a crush...but I know what you mean.” Her head lowered as she leaned into him, most of her weight now on his shoulder with her knees still pressed against her. “At least we can drown our sorrows in mochi and ice cream. And sake, you forgot the liquor. And we can be annoyed with him together.” She paused then, her hands playing with the fabric of his pants on his thigh. “I’m glad you have him as a friend. And I’m happier than I thought possible...or I was when I joined. But mostly...I’m just glad to have you back. There’s nothing in this world strong enough to take me away from you.” She threw her arms around his middle then, her head nestled against his chest as she hugged him from her leaning position. And made a vow to herself, no matter what happened in her life, this is what she needed to protect. Kami help whoever tried to separate her and her brother again.

[zory_alechiv]

"But see, that's the thing about Naras, we can find the dirt or at least make it look good. Broken heart or not, I'm certain we can make his sins look good." It was clear the older Nara was teasing, attempting to lighten the mood. Deep down, he knew Akemi would not want him to confront Takeshi about this, especially if she was mortified by the entire thing in telling him.

"It's a figure of speech," he groaned and covered his face with his hand. "I don't want to think of him fucking anyone, much less you. And you're not a dumb girl with a crush. You're a fucking Nara whether other people acknowledge or not. We're one of the oldest clans in the village. We may not go boasting about our abilities like the Hyuuga, or have a kekkai genkai, but we're stronger than people realize. You're stronger than people realize and you don't need anyone to tell you any different. Not me, not your family and certainly not any fucking Hyuuga with an internal crisis. His hang ups are not on you. You recognized your feelings and acted, it's a given. If he can't catch up, well," he shrugs lazily. "Once again, that's on him."

He tugged her closer as they both inclined on his bed and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He offered her one before taking his own and then offered out his lighter.

"This is a hiccup, Akemi. You're still family here. We're all closer than we ever expected. And having a crush, I really can't relate. Never entertained the notion and I'm sure as hell no one's entertained it with me. But this? This team? It's pretty damn permanent and I'm holding on to that. They gave me my life back, and they gave you a home. Everything else is just extra and you need to hold on to that."

[Kaida]

Snuggling into her cousin's chest, she felt the weight she had been bearing lessen slightly. He was right, and it was hard to accept. The only option she had ever had was to get stronger, whether it was to prove something to everyone else around her or to herself didn’t matter. She had chosen this, and she didn’t regret making this her home. Only that she may have messed it up by being honest.

She took the offered cigarette and lighter, inhaling the plume of tobacco and exhaling it above their heads as they laid on the bed together as if they were children again. Akemi found a significant comfort in this, Jashin had never tried to change her. He had always just tried to make her understand herself better, to show her what he had seen of her. It helped to quiet the voices in her mind that reaffirmed she wasn’t enough, that she would never be enough.

“It’s exhausting, living life like this. Feeling like I have to fight to be worth something. And the shitty thing is that he did see me, and who knows what that even means. Let alone what he wants from it. But it made me feel good. To be challenged and accepted...to be wanted.” Her voice drifted off then, thinking about all the things Takeshi had said. She believed him, but maybe that was just wishful thinking that it could mean more to him too. She wouldn’t know until he spoke to her again, whenever that was.

But Jashin had a point. This was her home now. Even if things went wrong with Takeshi, he had given her a place to belong and excel, something she was grateful for. And it gave her back her family, one that she had been missing for so long. Her eyes grew tired as she lay there with her brother, leaning over his frame she doused the butt of her cigarette and took a final swig from the sake bottle. “I hope you know, that now that I have you back, I’m never letting you go again. Even if I have to kick your ass to make you see reason from time to time.” She jabbed him in the ribs as she laid down, laughing as she harassed him. One day, she might say thank you to Takeshi, when it didn’t hurt so bad, and she wasn’t so confused and torn up. Today, she was just grateful to be home and to be with someone who really knew her. “I’m glad you’re here Jashin. I’m happy to be home with my brother.”

[zory_alechiv]

"That feeling's never going to change, Akemi-chan. And maybe it's a good thing. If you stop fighting to belong, stop trying, then where would you end up? At least you have a drive, a reason, you know?" They exhaled the smoke into the air and sank down further on their bed. His own thoughts started to wonder and though he wasn't quite ready to sleep, he felt her grow heavy against him before she leaned over to put out her own.

He grunted as he was jabbed in the stomach, eyes narrowing playfully. "Yea yea, nothing's changed. You're still gonna give me shit, I got it," he teased, clearly done talking with feelings. "And you can stay as long as you don't draw on my face like you and Eiko did the last time I fell asleep around you." His lips twisted up into a small smile as the duo got comfortable but it quickly fell when the other's breath evened out.

At least you have a drive...

For so long, his drive had been to protect his sibling, and when she died, he had been lost. Until he'd convinced himself that he should have Eiko live. She deserved to live her life, and that had turned into his push. As crazy as it sounded, that was his reason for everything. Now that he had told Akemi and Takeshi, he wondered what his purpose was if he wasn't giving Eiko the life she deserved. What did he want?